


The Prophylactic Deactivation Complication

by witblogi



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Babies, Breeding Kink, Dirty Talk, F/M, Post-Canon, Sexual Experimentation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:28:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29893575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witblogi/pseuds/witblogi
Summary: “Then we’ll have to conduct an experiment. A trial basis upon which after we can assess if it was an acceptable alternative to condoms. If youor Idon’t prefer it after say five sexual encounters without a barrier, we can go back to condoms as the standard and in future regarding procreation re-negotiate on a per-ovulation basis.”“Counter offer, one sexual encounter and I will be nothing but complimentary towards your genitals regarding the whole messy affair.” He moved in that way he did when he was negotiating, a little bounce. Amy narrowed her eyes shrewdly.“Three encounters and you tell me what you really think.” She crossed her arms across her chest.“Three encounters, I tell you what I really think… and you wear one of your old corduroy skirts ahead of time.”“Done.” Amy beamed up at him.
Relationships: Sheldon Cooper/Amy Farrah Fowler
Comments: 5
Kudos: 16





	The Prophylactic Deactivation Complication

“I don’t know how many times I can tell you that you can’t just stare at people in the produce section because they have suspicious facial moles.” 

Amy had been unsuccessfully fighting that battle for a few years and by now it felt as familiar and worn in as a fleecy housecoat. 

They were unpacking the groceries after work like they did every Tuesday evening. It wasn’t nearly as much as two fully grown adults should probably really be buying, but Amy was slowly trying to wean Sheldon off of the truly unreasonable amount of take out he’d been subsisting on for the better part of 20 years. She wanted to spend their golden years together, not worried about early hypertension, heart disease, and renal failure from his ingesting incredible amounts of sodium laced Thai food. No matter how many times he said she could just take one of Missy’s organs for him if necessary. 

Sheldon didn’t answer her in familiar rebuttal that all moles are suspicious and anything larger than a nickel should really be checked - especially if it has a passing resemblance to the shape of Bosnia and Herzegovina. He also didn’t hand her the mesh bag of bell peppers which came next from their bags either. Instead, when she turned to look at him he was just frowning down into their last tote. 

“What?” She frowned as well and shuffled towards him to see there’s nothing left in the bag, nothing to be causing him alarm at all. 

“You didn’t get any more prophylactics.” He looked at her at last. “They were on the shopping list. I emailed you.” 

“Condoms?” She waited a beat to make sure that is indeed what he meant. 

“Yes. You took aisle 12 and 13: feminine hygiene, prophylactics, personal lubricants, incontinence and senior aides while I took 14 and 15: laxatives, antacids, vitamins, energy supplements and protein powders.” He shook the last empty bag. “You missed it,” he sounded annoyed.

Amy pressed her lips together and picked up the peppers from the island. 

“I didn’t miss it.” She turned back to the fridge and stowed the peppers safely in the crisper drawer. “I skipped it.” 

There was a long pause while Sheldon processed what exactly to say. Amy took the opportunity to pull out a chilled bottle of water and gently shut the fridge.

“Do you no longer wish to engage in sexual activity with me?” He didn’t sound panicked nor relieved, merely cautiously curious.

Amy turned back to him, planting both hands and her bottle on the island, stable, rooted, ready for this discussion.

“To the contrary. We finished the last box and I thought we could be done with them. We don’t really need them, they’re wasteful and redundant.” She held his gaze steadily.

“You didn’t consult me.” He still sounded annoyed - because any change was still something he felt he needed to be hostile about by default.

“It occurred to me right there in aisle 12. I didn’t think you’d want to have this discussion next to the maxi-pads and strawberry flavoured lubricants, so I made an executive decision,” she paused, “besides they’re easy enough to procure from the gas station across the street if we decide we do want to continue with them, so, I skipped them. They just weren’t a logical part of our sexual relationship any more. ” 

“Wh - How so?!” 

“Firstly we’ve monogamously pair bonded; therefore we aren’t at risk to infect each other with sexually transmittable infections. Secondly I have an IUD, and we’ve been married for over a year. If our primary form of birth control fails, we’re in a stable committed relationship and while it would take a bit of lifestyle reorganization we would welcome an unplanned pregnancy,” she stated clearly. 

They’d already had an in-depth discussion about surprise offspring shortly after Penny and Leonard had gotten pregnant. They’d raise their children with no religious affiliation, put no pressure on them to turn to either biology or physics, and agreed that Leonard and Penny would be put into their will as emergency legal guardians. 

“What about personal hygiene?” he asked like he’d caught her, eyebrows raised imperiously, mouth twisted up like the grinch. God she loved him.

“I don’t really mind, Sheldon.” She smiled and shrugged. “It’s not like there aren’t personal hygiene concerns _with_ the condoms. To avoid urinary tract infections I still have to urinate after we engage in any intimate activities, and we usually shower as well anyway.” She opened the bottle of water and took a drink, waiting for his next rebuttal. 

“You do lay out a logical path.” He conceded and Amy swallowed hard. She hadn’t really expected him to agree to this so easily. She _expected_ to have to metaphorically and intellectually and maybe even physically wrestle him into it. 

“But?” she prompted. There was _always_ a but. 

“But,” he agreed, pointedly looking at his hands, still fiddling with the reusable grocery bag in that way that said he knew what he was going to say next might hurt her feelings and he didn’t know how to say it. 

“I can’t agree or disagree with you unless you tell me.” she prompted him again.

“Amy. You know I love you.” He looked at her with his usual brand of soft affection reserved just for her, and koalas. 

“I’m concerned I’ll offend you if we try it…and I don’t like it.” 

“Oh!” Amy nodded pensively, that made sense. He _did_ have a fondness for medical gloves of all kinds, and this was another level of intimacy, a barrier she was literally removing. If he’d blindly gone along with it hoping he could just adapt but ended up not ready or being repulsed by it, _by her,_ she _would_ have been offended, even hurt by his rejection. 

“Okay.” She nodded. “Then we’ll have to conduct an experiment. A trial basis upon which after we can assess if it was an acceptable alternative to condoms. If you _or I_ don’t prefer it after say five sexual encounters without a barrier, we can go back to condoms as the standard and in future regarding procreation re-negotiate on a per-ovulation basis.” 

“Counter offer, one sexual encounter and I will be nothing but complimentary towards your genitals regarding the whole messy affair.” He moved in that way he did when he was negotiating, a little bounce. Amy narrowed her eyes shrewdly.

“Three encounters and you tell me what you really think.” She crossed her arms across her chest. 

“Three encounters, I tell you what I really think… and you wear one of your old corduroy skirts ahead of time.” 

“Done.” Amy beamed up at him.

——

Sheldon was ruminating. He knew he was ruminating and not coming up with any satisfactory conclusions and that was why, a week after his and Amy’s kitchen conversation, he was even considering breaking their circle of intimacy to get advice from his friends. 

Leonard had already asked if he was okay when he stopped by Sheldon’s office mid morning to deliver a departmental get well card for Dr. Szantic for him to sign. Regardless of the fact that Sheldon didn’t particularly like Dr. Szantic and thought that appendectomies were easily avoidable with the right diet - Leonard was still demanding he present the barest token of human sympathy. 

As Amy was content to work through lunch that day, right in the middle of pulling brains out of rats in a frightfully nausea inducing procedure, Sheldon found himself in the perfect opportunity to mine his friend’s less intelligent but, granted, more sexually experienced minds for the answers he sought. 

The truth was, despite coming to a completely logical and satisfactory compromise with Amy, he still wasn’t totally sold on the idea of completely doing away with their previous way of doing things. Why did everyone always insist on change so much? One day you’re going on a date to get a dirty sock out of your home and the next you’re running an absolute gauntlet of sexual deviancy. 

“Okay what’s wrong with Sheldon, he keeps twitching,” Howard asked Leonard, dropping all pretence of their previous cafeteria conversation - the merits of having the excuse of little kids to subscribe to Disney+ and then being able to watch all the Star Wars and Marvel content he wanted.

“I don’t know,” Leonard muttered giving him a sidelong look, “he’s been weirder than usual this week.” 

“What’s going on, Sheldon?” Raj asked with mild friendly interest and skewered some salad onto his plastic fork. 

Sheldon looked down at his left hand, the less superior and clumsy twin of his right, and yet it was the one that bore Amy’s mark - his wedding ring. Fitting that he too often had no idea what he was doing - especially with a wife as wonderful as Amy. 

“Fine.” Sheldon set his own fork down and folded his hands into his lap, he didn’t want the reminder of said ring and the betrayal he was about to commit. “But it can’t go beyond this table. Not in Bernadette’s tiny ears, not out Penny’s giant mouth.”

“Hey! That’s my pregnant wife you’re talking about.” 

“And hormones haven’t exactly made her a steel trap.” Sheldon pointed out, reminding Leonard of the fact Penny was uncomfortable and crabby and consequentially didn’t care whose news she was breaking or what was considered private. Social convention had totally been left in the dust as she waddled angrily around - shouting Leonard’s faults big and small to anyone who would hear them. Leonard pursed his lips and nodded. 

“Okay understood, cone of silence, now what’s going on? It’s definitely about sex, so-”  
Howard set his fork down and pushed his plate away in an exaggerated manner indicating he was about to be disgusted.

“As much as it pains me to say you’re right - it is about coitus,” Sheldon sighed while the rest of them shifted and leaned in, “Amy wants to-” he felt awful saying this, he knew he was betraying her trust. 

“Wants to what? Try a position that _isn’t_ missionary?” Howard antagonized and Sheldon glared at him. 

“Howard,” Leonard reprimanded him, “she wants to what?” he prompted Sheldon in a much gentler tone.

“She wants to stop using barrier prophylactic measures.” There, he said it.

“She wants to stop using condoms?” Raj furrowed his brow. 

“Wait - like you’re considering having a baby?” Leonard confused, but then immediately perked up. “Buddy, that’s great!” 

“No. Not yet and for the record, Penny isn’t exactly making it look all that glamorous.” Sheldon shook his head at Leonard’s recoil. “She wants to reduce our methods of birth control from two to one.” 

“Oh.” There was a collective pensive pause. 

“Okay, so what are you conflicted about? Do you not trust whatever other method of birth control you have?” 

“No, that’s not it, I trust Amy’s choice implicitly.” 

“So what? You think it’s going to be too messy?” Howard pulled his plate back towards him, apparently not as disgusted as he initially thought.

Sheldon said nothing. 

“What seriously?” Howard looked up with that dumbfounded look on his face again. “Sex is messy! That’s just how it is and if you aren’t getting all sweaty and sticky I think maybe you’re doing it wrong and we need to get you another book.” 

“No-” Leonard swiftly cut in, “don’t listen to him. There’s nothing wrong with doing it however… you _do, do it_.” Leonard frowned getting muddled in his own thought. 

“Look, it’s not really about the condoms so much as the change right?” he asked and Sheldon twitch-shrugged. 

“Sheldon, it’s not as big a deal as you’re worrying about,” Raj piped up unexpectedly. Having never been in a procreation forward relationship Sheldon didn’t expect him to have any experience in this.

“You’ve done it?” 

“Yes. I think once you get to a certain point in a relationship — or uh, a marriage — it’s just kind of easier.” He nodded with a small smile. 

“Easier.” Sheldon couldn’t possibly see a way where this was _un_ -complicating anything. 

“Yeah I mean, you’re right in the moment in bed, things are moving along, clothes are coming off - kind of a mood changer when you have to have a hurried shouting match about where the new box is because _someone_ forgot to put it in the bedside table again.” Howard painted a bawdy picture, although it was one that Sheldon didn’t recognize.

He frowned, it had never been an encumbrance to them before, not to intimacy. It was a step along the way, a herald to signal immanent proceedings. 

The conversation continued without him, although he listened without much to input. 

“And it’s _so good_ without. Like you don’t even know until you know, you know?” Leonard, eloquent.

“You’re telling me. The first time Bernie and I ditched the glove it was like I had to re-learn all tolerance.” Howard. 

“Emily used to really prefer it without, and being the gentleman I am, I obliged.” Raj, making the rest of them snicker in shared perversion. 

“So you’ve all done this.” Sheldon put forth slowly when it seemed like they’d lulled into their own memories. That was in some ways comforting, this wasn’t some rogue path he was going to have to tread alone. It was mundane, simple, and easily conquered by lesser minds. 

“Yeah, it’s a normal step in any committed relationship.” Leonard nodded and picked up his sandwich.

“And hey, as much as I don’t want to say or think about this… you’ll probably enjoy it,” Howard said, actually looking and sounding completely earnest. It was still hard to tell but Sheldon felt like he was probably telling the truth.

“Enjoy it,” he repeated, turning over the idea in his mind. Maybe this wasn’t something to be frightful of, maybe, like the act of coitus itself, it would turn out to be surprisingly pleasurable. 

“Maybe too much.” Raj barely managed to keep from laughing before the end of his sentence. Based on the echo of laughter around the table Sheldon knew he was the butt of the joke - apparently a lack of barrier in their opinion felt, _good_. Maybe _too good._

——

“You seem pretty calm about this impending change,” Amy said, setting her glasses safely within arms reach on her bedside table. 

“I suppose so.” Sheldon removed first one shirt, and then the second, putting them into the hamper and holding a hand out for Amy to toss her soiled garments to him to put in as well. “I’ve had time to think on it.” 

“And are you more or less worried about your initial concerns?” Amy slipped into her side of the bed until just her alluring bare shoulders were left on display, content to watch him finish lining up his shoes and folding his trousers. Last to go was his wrist watch, set down on his bedside table.

“I admit I’m not unaffected - I’m still hesitant, and I really don’t relish the idea of getting bodily fluids, even my own, everywhere.” He scrunched his nose in disgust and flipped off the overhead light while she laughed softly and toggled on the bedside lamp. 

“But?” she prompted knowingly while he lifted the sheet and comforter to join her in the bed, immediately feeling the warmth radiating from her skin.

“But I’ve been assured that this is a normal occurrence in most serious sexual relationships and desirable, even pleasurable.” He leaned down over her and slipped one hand behind her ear to give her a kiss. An early foray into the rest of the night, and to assure her in ways his words just couldn’t that he was fully committed to this.

“I’m glad to hear that,” she said in that breathless tone she got when he’d done something particularly arousing. That was a promising start to the evening.

“Might as well take it for a spin, see what all the fuss is about.” He pressed back in to kiss her again.

“Sheldon!” she exclaimed outraged, but she was soon laughing into his mouth, so clearly not actually upset with his glib. 

Things moved slow, unhurried from there. Sexual intimacy was still a fascinating thing, even after they had well over 75 instances of intercourse under their belts - so to speak. Although the motions were the same, the pattern was different, the sensations were different, sometimes their moods were different. While Sheldon didn’t spend a lot of time outside of their bed thinking about sex, unlike some of his peers, he almost understood how they could become preoccupied by it. 

The way her nipples went from pale pink to almost red with attention, how soft her thighs felt against his flanks, how she grew slick at her apex from his touch. It was as if her whole body were an instrument that he was instance by instance learning to play by feel. 

In turn she surprised him with responses in his own body, something he often struggled with existing within the confines of. The way innocuous parts suddenly became erogenous zones in the wake of her touch, his ears, his ribs, his chin.

“I think we should do it like this.” Amy turned onto her side away from him, twisting her hair up and out the way as she did so. 

“Should I ask why?” he asked curiously, but not in opposition, following her lead in tucking himself behind her. Whatever way Amy desired suited him fine most of the time, their height difference agreeable to most traditional intercourse configurations - and this time was no different. His pelvis lined up to hers while he could still nose into her ear, take in the familiar scent of her dandruff shampoo and feel the downy hairs at the back of her neck along his lips.

“I think there will probably be a greater chance I can keep the mess to a minimum this way,” she murmured huskily, arching into him, running her hand over his forearm, leaving goosebumps in her wake. He hadn’t forgotten their plan, he couldn’t even if he wanted to, but for some reason the way she said this, like she had been planning, plotting really, thinking about this in _her_ idle moments made him awash in renewed anxiety, excitement, energy, _something_ squishy, squirming behind his sternum, emotional and unidentifiable. 

“You’re a vixen, Dr. Fowler.” 

She twisted at the waist back into him as much as she could to look over her shoulder at him warmly. He appreciated the even keel that their bed put them on, how sharp Amy’s features were up close, how she could surround him in ways that during their normal daily lives she just couldn’t. She ran her hand from his arm to his side, down to his thigh and then let it slip between them to grip him gently.

“Okay?” 

He sucked in a breath. He was achingly familiar with Amy’s touch, but it still felt like plunging into cold water every time. His lungs froze up, forgetting how to breathe for just a moment while she toyed with his foreskin and waited. When he finally felt like he could sort out the overwhelming tidal wave of feedback of her touch, he nodded and scooped her closer. 

“Okay.” He could breathe again.

It took a little shuffling, and repositioning of Amy’s thigh and shifting of his hips, but eventually she was guiding him into her, where the comparatively feverish internal temperature of her body enveloped him. 

“There,” she said a little breathlessly, “that’s not so bad, right?” 

Sheldon was beyond being able to respond to her, the feeling of being joined with her in this way, with none of the usual slip slide of a condom to dampen the real heat of her, or her natural slickness. He pressed his face into her hair, her neck, unable to stop himself from moving, testing these uncharted waters, and inhaling sharply at their resulting feedback waves.

It wasn’t comparatively that different, as latex did a fine job of being a fairly unobtrusive barrier to begin with, but he _knew_ it wasn’t how it had been previously and that was what was making the biggest difference. It made sense if he spared a moment to consider it. The largest sex organ being ones own brain, so the pure knowledge that there was nothing between them was adding to the experience. 

He just hadn’t expected how much arousal the thought would add. It immediately scratched satisfyingly at an instinctual part of him he didn’t know he’d had. This was how it was _meant_ to be. Humanity in its most base animal form, their bodies fitting welcomingly together for a _purpose._

“Oh,” he sighed into her, pulling her tighter, spreading his fingertips over every inch they could reach. Amy keened in reply. 

“Is- is it — okay?” she asked after a few more moments. 

“I haven’t,” he gulped, “I haven’t formed any conclusions as the experiment is not - not over yet,” he said, fairly proud he managed to put together that sentence in the middle of what was turning out to be one of the most memorable instances of coitus he’d ever joined her in. 

“Okay,” she said high and breathless, shifting her top thigh back to rest over his, changing the angle of penetration and making them both make strangled noises of approval. 

“I like it,” she noted and he huffed amused into her ear. 

“I can _feel_ that.” It was true, he could feel how wet she was, almost excessively so. He didn’t know if she was always like this, or if the lack of condom was really making that difference for him, but she was exquisitely slick. It was getting erotically audible to both of them and he couldn’t resist his own curiosity to reach down and around her to feel it. 

There was something mysteriously fun about the messiness of sex while participating - like jumping in muddy puddles. It was going to get everywhere and you’d have to do laundry later but in the moment you just couldn’t resist diving straight in. That’s what it felt like taking in the damp hot folds of her vulva, the sopping swollen nub of her clitoris under his fingertips. 

Amy gave a ragged gasp and twitched, hips moving back and forth restlessly trying to move into his thrust and into his fingers at once. 

“Yes. Sheldon. Give it to me,” she murmured softly, her fingers reaching back and pressing into his tricep. Maybe it was nonsense, maybe she was only talking about more clitoral stimulation, but something in the back of his mind, already so chuffed with the idea of this new way of their joining perked up immediately. She wanted _him_ , she wanted his _very essence_ , for him to leave a piece of himself inside of her for her to grow into something new. 

He pushed up more firmly into the elbow under him so he had more leverage to move, faster, harder. 

“Yes!” Amy was squirming almost constantly now, clearly approaching orgasm, face flushed, toes curling.

“Amy,” he said strangled and hushed. He was in awe watching over her, marvelling at this sacred ancient experience she wanted to share with him. Then rubbing her just a bit faster to watch her ribs heave and her cry out loudly, shuddering in his arms, body clenching violently around him to a degree that caused him to stutter in his own rhythm, groaning with her. 

When she finally breathed out gustily, pulling his hand away from her sex to hold between her breasts, her orgasm over, she looked back at him, pink cheeked and eyes sparkling. She smiled and kissed him off centre, messy. 

“What are you waiting for?” she murmured, encouraging him to pick up his neglected pace, her body somehow even more impossibly velvety post-orgasm. 

“Amy,” he said quietly again, bowing his head to press against her shoulder, feeling just as close to the edge as she had been but suddenly a little afraid, did she really want this? 

“Yes.” She seemed to be answering him. “Come on, do it. Come for me,” she encouraged him, her fingers still entwined with his. His hips twitched out of time at the mere mention of coming - orgasmic slang she sometimes indulged in. His Amy who wanted him to _come_ for her. 

“Oh-” the very idea, ejaculating into her, coming there with nothing to take it away again suddenly had him on the precipice of orgasm, “oh. I’m going to make a mess,” he murmured clutching her hand and the sheet below them, his scrotum taut - 

“Come _in_ me,” Amy commanded. And then he was, abundantly. 

For some reason it was _euphoric_. Orgasms he’d had before, but this one was different, explosive - sure, but lingering. 

The satisfaction that oozed after it was too enjoyable to quit - and rather than parting as they usually did soon thereafter mutual orgasm, he found himself melting even further into and around her. He held her tightly to him, slipping his other arm under the dip in her waist.

“Sheldon - are you alright?” Amy asked him quietly, her voice a much more husky tone than usual, but clearly no longer in the throws of coitus - just concerned for him. 

He felt like melted jello. 

“Yes. I’m…” He didn’t know how to finish his sentence, but maybe she wanted him to move. “Do you want me to move?” he asked finally, he didn’t want to.

“No. No this is fine. You just don’t usually like immediate post coital snuggling until after we’ve cleaned up and put on our pajamas.” She shrugged her shoulders in a way that felt like she was trying to burrow further into him. “And previously you were very concerned with the mess - which…”

Yes, he knew, he could feel it starting to leak unappealing from between them surely heading to spill over Amy’s thighs but for now it was bearable if he could continue to be this close to her. 

“I know.” He sighed into the back of her head and let his eyes close for just a few more heartbeats, floating slowly back to normalcy, letting the sensations of his body return. He was getting cold - and they truly were beginning to get sticky and icky. 

“Okay. Shower.” He finally began the process of disentangling them. Amy doing a very neat shift on her hip and hopping out of their bed nimbly - sparing the sheets most of the mess. She scurried into the ensuite like she’d done that very move countless times before. He blinked. Curious.

“How did you know how to do that?” He couldn’t resist asking her even through the closed door. He got out of the bed and began the process of stripping it. 

“Oh. While you were dealing with nocturnal emissions causing your laundry to pile up during adolescence, I - and many other girls were learning how easy it was to wake up covered in our own menstrual blood if we weren’t sensitive to the feeling and quick to roll out of bed,” she called to him while she finished in the washroom - the toilet flushing and then shower turning on. 

She opened the door. 

“Come join me.” 

For the second time that evening he was helpless to refuse her request.

——

Girls Night was just turning into Complaining Night with a pregnant Penny and a still sometimes nursing Bernadette, making Amy feel like drinking alone was more than a little sad. So, instead she broke out the sparkling waters, provided the junk food and basked in the knowledge of having female friends who willingly dumped their husbands next door to hang out _with her_ instead. 

It really never got old, no matter what they talked about.

“I think Michael might be as obsessed with female anatomy as his father. He just _won’t_ wean,” Bernadette was saying between handfuls of buttery popcorn on her usual end of the sofa. 

Penny was slouched in the arm chair, legs spread wide and propped up on the coffee table, trying to find a comfortable position to sit. She was rapidly approaching her due date and _not_ happy about it. 

“Great. Something to look forward to,” she muttered grumpily, “can we please talk about something other than babies? I’m babied out. Leonard is such a huge mother hen. He checks on me constantly, asking which position the baby is sitting, monitoring my 'fluid intake’, nagging if I’ve been checking carefully for my _mucus plug coming out_. I can’t take it any more. So help me, _he’s_ carrying the next one.”

“Oh, well I-” 

“Also no work talk!” She cut Bernadette off before she could even begin. “Amy, _please_ , tell me something not rated PG.” 

Amy, put on the spot, couldn’t immediately think of anything non-PG that wasn’t the sound of Sheldon gasping his orgasm into her shoulder. Her face was suddenly hot.

“You’re blushing! What is it? Tell me everything.” Penny squirmed upright out of her slouch.

“It’s not…” she started and then sighed, “okay. It can’t go beyond this room.” She glared at them already knowing it was a lost cause, but she suspected Sheldon’s recent bravery in the face of the unknown was secretly just him having been bolstered by the encouraging support of his friends. 

“My lips are sealed,” Bernadette said primly, already putting another handful of popcorn into her mouth. 

Penny nodded. “Yeah yeah, what’s going on over here with Moonpie? Is it a sex thing?” she asked, clearly half excited and half disgusted. Amy knew not to take it personally, the disgust was more out of Penny’s relationship with Sheldon which bordered closely into familial - sibling like. 

“Recently I suggested we stop the use of condoms as birth control and rely solely on my IUD.” She adjusted her glasses and re-folded her hands into her lap. 

“Called it!” Penny pumped one fist, and then quickly abandoned the gesture when Amy and Bernadette gave her disapproving looks.

“So what’s the problem? Did he not want to do it? Is it not going well?” Bernadette turned back to Amy, asking politely. 

“No, that’s not it at all. He was hesitant at first of course, change is scary.” They nodded. “We agreed to a trial period, the first of which has already occurred.” 

“And?” 

“It was...” Amy didn’t know how to describe the electrifying experience to her friends, and honestly didn’t really want to share it. She decided to pivot to the bare minimum. “Sheldon enjoyed it. More than I was expecting honestly. It felt pretty much the same for me but it was much different for him I think.” 

She left out his extraordinary responses: The way he touched her, the way he said her name, the catch of his breath in his throat and the way that in turn made _her_ feel, She still felt _lucky_ they even had sex. That it was this _good_ was just like receiving a present you didn’t really expect, and then opening it to find another present inside, and then again and again and again and again. 

“Oh. Yeah.” Penny relaxed into the chair. “Men love having sex without a condom. Obviously.” She gestured broadly to her distended belly. Bernadette nodded knowingly.

“Of course. I don’t really know what I was expecting.” It made sense, but something about it was…nagging her. It wasn’t _just_ a cheap thrill. She _knew_ Sheldon, there was something more at work in his big beautiful brain whether he knew it or not.

“Yeah. I wouldn’t worry about it too much. It’s just the newness of it. He’ll adapt in his own…weird Sheldony way,” Penny assured her and they all reflected for a beat on that. 

“You know,” she started again, “I had a boyfriend once who was really into, like, pregnancy. Like _really_ into it. We never had sex without birth control,” she cautioned, “but he talked about it a lot. There was dirty talk about getting me pregnant, or putting a baby in me, or, I don’t know, seeing me fattening up.” 

She wrinkled her nose. “I was, like, twenty one and it totally freaked me out to think about him trying something with my pills, but it was kind of hot in the moment.” She shrugged and pursed her lips.

Amy blinked at her. Kind of hot in the moment. 

“I think that’s a pregnancy kink,” Bernadette added, “or maybe just a breeding kink if he was more into the act and less into the actual reality of a cranky pregnant woman.” She shared a conspiratorial grin with Penny.

“I don’t know. I broke up with him before I could find out.” Penny laughed. “The sex was good, but I was not about to be some guy named Gerald’s baby mama.” 

“Just some guy named _Leonard_ ,” Bernadette quipped dryly at her. 

“Yeah I kind of made a lateral move on that one didn’t I?” She made a face and rubbed her belly. 

“I think to some degree all straight guys are into the idea of getting a woman pregnant.” Bernadette shrugged. “Howie was always particularly proud of himself around when I told him I was pregnant. Both times. Something about their own virility really turns them on.” She adjusted her glasses and grabbed reluctantly for her water.

“It is a biological imperative for men to desire to spread their genetics - sow their wild oats as it were,” Amy added, considering the possibilities. 

“As much as I don’t want I think about Sheldon’s ‘oats’ _at all_ , maybe he’s no different.” Penny toasted Amy with her can of water. “He’s a real boy after all!” 

“I still don’t appreciate when you imply you think he’s an alien or a robot or any other science fiction creature.” Amy frowned. Sheldon might find it strangely flattering to be othered, but he was _her_ perfectly normal human husband and sometimes they all needed reminding.

“Fine, I’m sorry.” Penny rolled her eyes but Amy knew she was mostly sincere. 

“But we’re talking about babies again so let’s talk about something else. _Anything_ else,” Penny groaned, and struggled to reach forward and grab the bowl of potato chips on the coffee table. Amy leaned forward herself and handed it to Penny.

“We weren’t talking about babies, just baby _makin’_ ,” Bernadette said, slyly elbowing Amy. 

“It’s okay, we can move on. I’m sure Sheldon wouldn’t approve of my confiding in you anyway. Penny, I heard there’s a new season of that reality polygamy dating show coming up, tell us about it,” Amy suggested, knowing she was about to be bored to tears, but the way Penny’s face lit up to tell them about the Bachelor was worth it. She needed a little frivolous fun, and Amy needed a few light moments to think. 

She’d never considered the idea that Sheldon might have kinks before. She was fairly vanilla herself, thrilled just to have a sex life at all. Throwing in the occasional role-play or spanking fantasy was fairly standard, but kinks were otherwise something they hadn’t explored. She naïvely hadn’t thought they’d need to explore them. 

But now, the more she thought about it the more it made some sort of sense. Sheldon had always been incredibly forward about the desire to mate with her - maybe not physically at first but the idea of their progeny always made him light up like Christmas morning. 

Maybe there was more to it than just the inherent narcissism and pride in everything he made and did. Maybe it was also somehow about the process. 

She put a bookmark on that thought in her mind. She’d need to revisit it later when her friends weren’t in the room with her and she had some time to do some research on her own before their next amorous engagement. 

——

Amy woke to Sheldon moving her hair out of her face. His fingers were delicate over her brow as he re-arranged her sleep mussed hair. 

She frowned blearily and turned towards him, only cracking her eyes open the tiniest bit

“Sheldon?” 

“Good morning,” he said quietly, pressing a kiss into her flannel covered shoulder, “do you want to go brush your teeth?” 

Amy knew what that meant. 

Sheldon waking her up and gently suggesting she perform a few perfunctory ablutions before re-joining him in bed? Morning sex was on the schedule and he was enquiring whether that was acceptable to her.

“Okay.” She turned, gave a stretch and wiped some, ugh, drool from her chin, then reached for her glasses and threw back the covers. 

While Amy freshened up and brushed, she looked at herself in the mirror and went over her plan. She would approach it like an experiment within an experiment, nothing non-consensual of course, but more trial and error.

She spat and rinsed and then exited. 

Sheldon had rearranged the curtains to let in the morning light but obscure their bedroom. He was waiting for her, stretched in a patch of warm blue light, fiddling with his phone, probably Reddit. 

“Hey,” she called to catch his attention, feeling a wave of giddy excitement crash into her all over again when he looked up at her and smiled. This was something she got to have, that she got to _keep_. Sheldon’s love and affection was her most prized possession, even above her Nobel, nestled in its case beside his.

He pulled the covers back again for her and set his phone aside, screen face down. She pulled off her nightgown before kneeling on the bed beside him - he’d already removed most of his pajamas, down to his white tee and underwear.

“Any requests?” she asked him, hoping for once he didn’t have anything in mind. She didn’t want to have to contend with any unexpected hoops - like trying to remember what was science fiction appropriate language, or what a yeoman actually did on a starship. 

“No. As we’re still in the experimental phase of this new set of sexual variables I think it’s best to just let the data speak for itself - or ah, no frills.” He removed his own shirt so they were on par for clothing - just underpant for underpant. 

“A noble quest, but I hope you don’t mind if I try something new - to build upon our last encounter.” She traded a knowing look with him that commenced them both removing their own underwear with haste - easier and less risk of injury to just get it out of the way themselves.

“What do you mean?” She could hear the way his throat clicked as he swallowed. Nervous perhaps, or, she gave a leer, turned on already. 

He didn’t usually come into their sexually intimate moments fully aroused. Like her, he needed a moderate amount of foreplay. Or, he needed to have an excellent, logical and highly intellectual argument the likes of which they could really only have with each other about something he was completely wrong about - but that usually got her motor running too so that was fair. 

Today however, he was apparently a little ahead of her in that department, already erect, fat and flushed. 

“Oh- ” She paused trying to think of a way to phrase her curiosity. “Were you dreaming about something good?” 

It wasn’t that unusual to wake up with Sheldon spooning her, often with an erection due to friction, a full bladder, or a dream about flying. His body didn’t work the same way his mind did to his constant consternation. He did all he could to mitigate normal bodily functions: eating on time, pooping on time, being vigilant about germs, but he still sneezed in the face of dust, and sleepily pressed his morning wood against his wife’s behind. 

“No.” Sheldon looked a little embarrassed. “I just knew it was a morning _for us_ and was thinking about it.” Amy blinked at him. This was _very_ interesting. 

“Okay, well. I think in light of your _good spirits_ maybe we try it a little differently today. Lie back.” 

“Alright.” He wet his lips and shifted to the middle of the bed where she stacked some pillows for him to be propped up slightly. Then she slung her thigh over his and settled comfortably into the bowl of his hips. 

He sighed into it, squirming a little under her and settling his warm hands naturally on the widest parts of her hips.

“Good?” She shifted her knees around - Sheldon was a slender man - she could find the optimal angle that wouldn’t turn her hips out and make her walk for the rest of the day like she’d been riding a fat pony. 

“You’re very warm.” He looked up at her with half lidded eyes, a sexy look if she’d ever seen one. She smiled shyly at him and swayed forward for a kiss - and then another and another. She trailed her fingers through his relatively sparse chest hair - Sheldon wasn’t robustly furry, just enough to be pleasantly masculine. And speaking of masculine, his chin was rough under and against hers. He’d needed to shave later, but for now she enjoyed the contrast between them. 

She settled herself more firmly into him, shifting her weight back so their lips parted but their genitals aligned, and she could rub herself up, over and along his erection. 

“Is the frottage the new thing you had in mind?” he asked, voice low but catching as she moved in whatever way felt best. 

“In part.” She wanted to have a minute before intercourse to test the waters. “As you know, imagination is an important part of sexuality.” 

“You said you wanted to try something new. We’re already adept at role playing.” He somehow still sounded cocky and sure footed even as he flexed his hips up into her. 

“I don’t want to role play.” She swallowed hard as he reached up and rubbed the back of his knuckle over one of her nipples, dipping low to stroke the underside of her breast. “I want to try dirty talk.” 

“ _Amy._ ” he said in a slightly scandalized tone, a little ironic considering their current position. She cocked her head at him. 

“It’s just a thought, you don’t have to consent.” She reminded him, stilling her movements so he had a moment to think. He shifted his shoulders and his hand stilled, resting over her ribs just under her breast. With his size, from forefinger to thumb it felt like he could reach from sternum almost all the way around to her spine. He could probably feel her heart thumping under his palm.

“I consent.” He met her gaze again wetting his lips. “But I want to know what you’re up to.” 

“I think.” She started up her slow gyrations again, causing him to satisfyingly twitch under her. “Last time we did this there was something especially interesting about what was said.” 

“You always say arousing things close to orgasm.” 

“But those are generalizations. I’m thinking about what specifically made last time so hot that just thinking about doing it again made you wake me up at six am on a Saturday almost fully erect,” she sighed breathily, already feeling worked up. Just moving her hips over him, speaking about this pulled her arousal up to the forefront. She could feel how wet she already was, making their grinding turn slippery and frictionless. 

The blotchy flush that Sheldon got when it was bitterly cold out or when he was particularly embarrassed or like now when he was aroused was really starting to spread itself down his cheeks and neck. 

“And - and what conclusion did you come to?” He ran his hands down from her waist to her hips again, pressing into the flesh there. 

“I have several hypotheses I’m working on.” She leaned forward to kiss him deeply again, lifting up so she could reach under herself and re-align them. When she seated herself once more, they were joined just as intensely as the last time and every time they did this. “No conclusions yet.” 

“An experiment within an experiment?” He swallowed, eyelids fluttering as she settled into what was becoming their usual rhythm in this configuration. “A little unorthodox.” 

“I think they’re related.” She couldn’t help the pitch of her voice raising as she snapped her hips into what ultimately became a kind of back forth up down circular motion. Apt that euphemisms to this position were often equine in nature, it was like riding a horse of passion.

“Is this the dirty talk? Discussion of scientific method during coitus? If so, I lend a hearty yay to the vote.” He restlessly touched her knees, her breasts, the flare of her hips again.

“No, the dirty talk is that I want to ride you until you come for me. Inside me.” He twitched again, bucked really as if she’d slapped him with her words. Bolstered by his reaction she soldiered on. 

“No condoms, just you and me and how good this feels,” she said already breathless, bracing herself against the bed. She was a biologist not an Olympian after all.

“Amy!” She didn’t know if that was him overwhelmed by what she was saying, or a cry of passion, but she figured it had to be good by the way his fingers were digging into her hips, trying to hurry her rhythm already. She didn’t let him, instead taking a few minutes to just move and breathe and use him to make them both feel so good.

“And I - I think you like it.” She panted finally moving on. “You want to come, deep, get me pregnant.” She gave in and pulled one arm back to touch herself while she rode him - although he quickly batted her hand away to take over - less precise but friction nonetheless. She let out a shaky moan and tried to refocus.

“I- I-” He had nothing - overwhelmed, pupils wide and dark. 

“Yes!” She was getting so close, and saying these things was getting harder and harder, like watching herself from another room. “You can. I _want_ you to. _Please_.” She reached a crescendo that she couldn’t stop, making a high pitched moan as she orgasmed. 

Sheldon suddenly sat up disrupting her rhythm and shifting her balance, making her gasp. 

“O-OH!”

She grabbed onto his shoulders to keep from falling. He swiftly pressed her to the side and back all at once, parting them as he slipped off the bed entirely and then dragged her to him, pulling her hips level with the edge of the bed. Pushing between her legs he made a place for himself and re-entered her with a speed and sense of urgency that made her throw her head back with wanton sensation. 

“Oh!” she cried out again. The speed with which he was thrusting into her was uncharted territory - the whole thing, the abrupt position change, manhandling, the passion in general was like a tidal wave crashing over her. This was a kind of sex she’d yet to experience with him. 

The sound of his hips against hers made an audible noise, even the bed was shaking. Despite having just climaxed she found herself being dragged into it again - she dazedly thought maybe she had never really stopped coming to begin with. 

“Yes! Sheldon! Give it to me.”

“ _Amy_.” he sounded and looked absolutely tortured by her, one hand clutching her hip hard enough she was sure she was going to have bruises in the shape of his fingerprints. All of it was too much and she gasped through a second more powerful orgasm that surprised her with its depth and intensity, her legs shaking around him. 

By the time she was thinking straight again he was panting over her, hips involuntarily pressing a last few of his own orgasmic thrusts into her. 

“Wow,” she said satisfied, stretching her legs a bit and reaching up to touch his warm cheek. 

He collapsed into her in slow motion, not all at once, but not trying to roll off of her in any way either. She wrapped her arms and legs around him tightly with relish. For several long slow minutes there was only their hearts beating together.

“D’you need me to move?” he mumbled into her neck finally. 

“No. No, it’s fine.” She trailed her hand along the back of his head and nape of his neck, trying to soothe. He so rarely wanted human contact like this, she was going to take as much as she could.

“Don’ be a hero, I’ve got at least - at least thirty pounds on you.” he sounded sleepy, like he never did after sex. Sated, sure, relaxed, usually - but not really sleepy and vulnerable, accent thickening. 

“They’re all in your impossible legs, I’m fine.” She wasn’t fine, he was heavy, but she’d gladly hold him for as long as he needed. 

He kissed her neck and then pressed back out of her embrace before slumping all the way to sit on the floor. She sat up. 

“Are you alright?” 

“I’m fine. That was - ” He blinked still looking a little dazed. If she didn’t know better she’d wonder if he’d recently hit his head. He looked at her sharply. “You’re going to drip on the sheets.” 

She snorted. “I think it’s a little late for that.” She pressed herself up onto her jelly legs anyway, stepping over and around him to make her way into the ensuite and collapsed onto the toilet for a brief but welcome voiding of her bladder. 

She was just flushing when he appeared and pulled back the shower curtain, twisting the knob almost as hot as it would go. He liked his showers far more tepid than she - this was as good as an explicit invitation to join him. She took the half step it took to cross the bathroom to stand with him on the shower mat waiting for the water to warm up. 

He looked down at her, a little too blankly for her liking, and she furrowed her brow. 

“Are you sure everything is alright?” 

He didn’t answer her. 

“Your glasses are smudged,” he said instead, gently reaching out and slowly removing them from her face - an action he knew was one of intimacy. She couldn’t see very much at all without her glasses and when he was the one to handle them, to potentially put them somewhere she couldn’t find, it was her trusting him implicitly. He only set them onto the shelf above the sink, where she always put them while she showered. 

She reached out for his hand when he returned to check the temperature of the water, he immediately laced their fingers together - a good sign.

When the shower was hot enough, they stepped in together and spread the periodic table out behind them, enclosing them in a steamy wet closet of squeaky clean intimacy. He immediately ducked under the spray and then reached for the shampoo, shuffling so she could then get her hair wet. They had a system in their shared showers - a routine of marital efficiency. She took the body wash. 

“Do you want to hear my conclusion?” she asked over the noise of the water, squeezing out soap into her palm while he lathered his hair and then went back to wash hers. 

“Yes. I want to hear all of the brilliant things you think.” He rubbed his thumbs into her temples and the pads of his fingers over her scalp in the most wonderful massage. She felt her heart thump out of time, swollen with how much love she had for him. 

She began to soap him up, efficient and in the order he preferred and used himself. 

“I’ll need your data of course, but I think from empirical evidence the dirty talk was a success.” 

He hummed. “It was,” he agreed and tipped her back into the spray to rinse her hair. 

“Forgive me Sheldon, but you don’t seem very pleased about it.” She finished his upper body and began her own while they traded places and he rinsed himself. 

“Alright. I confess, I’m bothered that I told our friends about our experiment- the original one. As you know, I was worried that I wouldn’t like it. They said it would be fine, that it was pleasurable, that maybe I’d like it _too much_ ,” he said and then shrugged, “they were right. You know I hate that.” He made a face of distaste. 

“I don’t know if - ” She started while washing her legs but he interrupted her. 

“What’s more distressing than them being right, is that it appears that I like it _more_ than other instances of coitus. _And_ those things you were saying.” she straightened back up to look at him clearly - his tone noted a small amount of panic. 

“About getting me pregnant?” He nodded and then stooped to press his forehead into hers, wrapping his hands around her upper arms.

“I really liked it,” he said like he was sharing a secret, like he was worried she’d be disgusted, married to a sexual deviant.

“I know. That’s why I said it.” He pulled back up to his full height. 

“But, you don’t want to be pregnant.” She bent again to proceed with the perfunctory washing of his lower body. 

“Not yet, no. But there’s no harm in fantasy. You can try as hard as you want to get me pregnant, the chances are fairly slim.” There were a few long beats while the water was the only sound around them and she finished up washing all his little piggies. 

“Is this really an acceptable fantasy to you? Or some kind of shared perversion?” he finally asked when she stood up and looked up at him once more. 

“I don’t think it gets my motor running the same way it appears to work for you, but I confess I do find it especially stimulating when you’re aroused. When I can _make_ you aroused.” She reached around him and turned off the water. “And considering you’ve unsuccessfully and single-mindedly tried to produce our progeny at least three separate times previous to this, I had a hunch the lure of mixing up a batch of our genetic soup was probably a strong turn on for you. A kink even.”

“A kink!” Scandalized, he followed her as she pulled back the shower curtain and handed him his towel before taking hers. 

“A pregnancy or breeding kink to be specific.” She towelled off the worst of the moisture from her body and then wrapped the towel around her hair - slipping her terry cloth robe on and tying it shut. She handed Sheldon his robe and took his towel back to be hung up as well. “I did some research on the subject, you’re sexually aroused by the somewhat unconventional idea of getting women pregnant.” 

“ _Not_ women, one woman, only you,” Sheldon corrected, “is that really considered _kinky_? It seems more like a biological advantage.” Amy pumped a generous dollop of lotion out of the dispenser she kept for post shower instances such as this and began working it into her legs, hands, and arms. 

Sheldon plucked her glasses off the shelf and began to wash them for her. 

“I think the kink comes from the idea of just the act of sex with the goal to impregnate, not necessarily to father as well.” 

“That’s not what I want, ipso facto, not a kink I possess,” he said, turning to meet her eyes in the mirror - although his reflection was mostly a pinkish blob with the steam and without her glasses.

“That’s not how kinks work and you know it. Just because someone only wants to get spanked with a hairbrush and never a hand doesn’t mean they don’t have a spanking kink, it’s just a personal variation. The exception not the rule.” He dried her glasses and inspected them for any lingering marks while she spoke.

“ _You’re_ the one with the spanking kink,” he muttered, turning to her and replacing her glasses gently back onto her nose. His eyes came into perfect focus, blue and playful.

“And don’t you forget it.” She gave his rear a smack. “I only have one question.” 

“What’s that?” he asked, following her as she returned to their bedroom, flicking out the lights. She slid back onto the bed while he went to the closet to pull out his Saturday clothes. 

“At the end, you changed the position.” 

“That’s not a question but yes, I did. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset your plans.” He sounded contrite if a little distracted as he proceeded to the dresser to pull out appropriate underwear and socks. 

“No, it’s fine. Better than fine - you’ve never - we’ve never. Sheldon, I don’t want to be rude but you’ve never had your way with me like that before. What happened?” 

He dropped his clothes onto the chair in the corner and turned to join her on the bed, sitting on the edge. 

“I know. I’m sorry. All I could think was we couldn’t be finished yet. You weren’t going fast enough, that I needed more leverage, and also conception should be aided by gravity. That’s largely a myth but apparently instinct doesn’t listen to reason mid-coital activity.”

“You don’t have to apologize to me Sheldon, I liked it. Or didn’t you notice the _two_ orgasms.” 

“I noticed. I’m just not sure what would be arousing about being manhandled like that.” 

“I assume the same cause that made you do it. Years of evolutionary instinct and programming to respond well to a dominant and aggressive male mate. Better to protect and provide.” 

“Still, I’d like to think I'm evolved a little beyond slinging you over my shoulder and bringing you back to my cave to bear my young.” He reached out for his wrist watch resting on the side table and began to put it on.

“I wouldn’t dwell on it. Consensual if a little kinky morning sex with your wife sounds perfectly normal and natural to me.” She leaned across the bed to give him a peck on the lips. 

“ _Normal_ ,” he said like it was a dirty word, making a face of distaste.

— 

Only a scant few Fridays later and all seven - or rather ten now - of them were gathered in Leonard and Penny’s apartment for Chinese food and to marvel at the arrival of their new baby. 

Of course they’d all been to the hospital when he was being born - Sheldon had unfortunately been the only one around when Penny had finally gone into labour and he’d once again had to shepherd and drive her irrational gravid form under penalty of death and dismemberment. He had filled out her forms and been mistaken for her husband far too many times for comfort - and then uncomfortably patted her hair and fed her ice chips while waiting for Leonard and Amy to rescue him. 

“Here.” Penny handed him a bottle of water, as she gingerly lowered herself into the white chair while everyone else was either dividing up the food or cooing at the baby in Raj’s arms. Amy was doing the latter. 

“Thank you.” 

“I should be saying that to you. I don’t think I did in the hospital. Thank you for taking care of me, you’re a good friend.” She patted his forearm. 

“You’re welcome, but that’s twice now. Three times and it’s becoming a bad habit.” 

“Oh my god, he’s so cute I want to dunk him in soy sauce and _eat him_ ,” Raj cried, playfully gnawing on the fist the baby had worked free from his swaddle. 

“You can’t!” Halley’s loud outraged voice piping up from the floor on the other side of the coffee table. Sheldon was still absolutely gobsmacked every time he saw her and Michael how big they were. Talking, walking, tomorrow she’d be asking for help with her algebra homework from her Uncle Sheldon because her father was only an engineer. 

“He’s not actually going to do that, honey,” Howard assured her from his position on the floor beside her, “try some rice.” 

“You still haven’t decided on a name?” Amy asked Leonard who smiled ruefully and shook his head. 

“No, at this rate we’re hopeful we’ll get it nailed down before his twenty first birthday.” 

“I still think Kurt is a nice name!” Penny said through a mouthful of eggroll - Sheldon handed her a napkin, disgusted. 

“Kurt is the name of your ex boyfriend who took my pants and wrote on my forehead in indelible ink, try again.” 

“Well, whatever you do finally name him I’m sure it’ll be perfect,” Bernadette said, scooping Michael into her lap to give Amy room to sit beside Sheldon in the centre of the sofa. He handed her the plate he’d made for her.

“Thank you,” Penny replied, beaming with pride at Leonard. 

“I told you, smart _and_ beautiful,” he said to her, coming to perch on the arm of her chair. 

“You can’t tell if he’s smart yet,” Sheldon said into his plate, “as he’s only one week old, many of the cognitive markers for advanced intellect are still beyond him.” 

“Sheldon,” Howard said in a tone that Sheldon, in a long slog of many years of experience, knew was a warning. What he was being warned about however, he could only guess.

“Actually, he’s correct. The infant, while able to recognize our voices as family, and open his eyes is still working mostly on sight and environmental problem solving. A few more weeks until prefrontal development would show an advancement in intelligence.” Amy agreeing with him on the grounds of science always made him feel warm and fuzzy, like a cat getting stroked just right. He would curl up in her lap if he were as feline as he felt.

“Well we don’t really care if he’s super smart - we just want him to be happy and healthy.” Penny took the baby back from Raj and snuggled him close. 

“Shrewd. Hedge your bets, he could turn out ugly and dumb.” Sheldon told her in an aside that sent a ripple through all the assembled adults. 

“Sheldon.” Amy chiding him this time - ah, he’d gone too far, he was being rude. 

“I apologize.” He leaned over to inspect the baby who was smacking his little pink bow of a mouth in his sleep. “He appears symmetrical and seems to be cognitively on track, no real cause to worry.”

“Thanks. I think,” Leonard said, spooning some pork fried rice onto his plate.

“And since you like him so much, you can hold him while we eat.” Penny took Sheldon’s mostly finished dinner out of his hands and set it aside while he futilely protested and then folded his arms around the baby, warm and surprisingly light in his grasp. He looked down at the baby and sighed. 

Halley and Michael made noises about wanting to play - prompting Bernadette and Howard to paw through their dozens of diaper bag pockets to produce blocks and dolls for everyone. The noise of the children made baby Hofstadter’s little face crumple up and he began to fuss. 

“Oh- here-” Penny reached out a hand but Sheldon just stood. He was familiar enough with babies by now, being strong armed into watching his nephews while at home in Texas and occasionally helping with the Wolowitzs junior. 

“It’s fine, you eat. He doesn’t appear to be in severe distress, I can oscillate until he calms.” 

“Oscillate?” Penny asked at a loss. 

“Sway - bounce, walk around with the baby.” Leonard supplemented for her although Sheldon had told him numerous times if he didn’t stop helping her she was never going to learn. 

Sheldon took the opportunity, moving with the baby through the space to inspect the changes Penny had most recently made to the apartment. The books on the bookshelf were now unfortunately joined by ‘How To Get Rock Hard Abs’ and ‘Your Horoscope And You: 21 Ways To Improve Your Life With The Stars’. There were hung photos of flowers in pink frames by the door, and what was formerly his desk now appeared to house what Penny required for a work space including a sparkly cup filled with fuzzy ended pens and a tape dispenser in the shape of a red high heeled shoe.

“To think, this is your mother,” he muttered to the baby under his breath who was already settling back into a calm sleep, “you don’t stand a chance.” 

“At this rate I’m really going to die alone while you’re all married with children,” Raj moaned, stuffing a spring roll into his mouth. 

“That’s not true,” Bernadette said firmly, “any girl would be lucky to have you.” 

“And Sheldon and Amy don’t have any kids. It took her like nine years to even get him in bed, it’ll take another nine before they can invent a robot body to house whatever they produce as offspring,” Leonard said, rudely in fact, although Sheldon couldn’t deny, that did sound cool.

“Yeah they’ll be the promised benevolent overlords ‘homo-novus’.” Howard piled on to their teasing, but before Sheldon could put a stop to it Penny did.

“Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure - look at how Amy is watching Sheldon holding that baby.” 

They all turned to see Amy indeed staring directly at him, lips parted, dark eyebrows raised in not quite surprise, not quite awe. He didn’t know what to make of it really but his friends all seemed extremely amused by it. Amy blinked and looked away from him, caught by them all. 

“I wasn’t, I-”

“What’s that? I can’t hear you over the sound of your biological clock ticking!” Bernadette sing-songed, holding her hand up to her ear.

Amy cleared her throat. 

“Our plans or lack thereof to produce children are none of your business. I’ll look at Sheldon as much as I please, he’s my husband. Just because he is holding a squishy adorable little baby in a tender nurturing and highly attractive manner does _not_ mean my ovaries are absolutely aching with maternal jealousy.”

“I don’t know Amy, you were looking at them the way Penny looks at bottles of wine these days,” Leonard said lightly with a grin, still teasing her. Penny sighed longingly. 

Sheldon uncomfortably kept moving with the baby, unsure exactly what to do in this particular social situation. Did he say something to Amy? Did he ignore it? Did he ask to speak with her privately? He made eye contact with her, trying to divine what she wanted him to do. Couples communicated like this sometimes, he’d watched all their friends do it but he so rarely got it right. He hoped this time would be the exception.

“Despite how good I do or do not look with the mantle of fatherhood draped upon me - I think it’s best if we leave the decision whether or not Amy desires her womb to be occupied to her.” 

Everyone sharply turned towards him. Amy looked pleased. Score one: Cooper.

“That just proves my point! Sheldon is talking about having _babies_ and I can’t even hold onto a girlfriend,” Raj moaned miserably. This was a constant topic of his lately.

The baby chose that moment to stretch and give a proper cry, the kind that signalled to Sheldon it was time to be handed back to his mother.

“Same, dude,” Raj added, “I could, would, and _have_ cried about it.” 

“He’s probably just hungry, I’ll take him.” Penny got up and took the baby from Sheldon with a wan smile, disappearing down the hallway towards the bedrooms with him.

Sheldon, suddenly unoccupied by friendly offspring, stretched out his arms and then returned to his eternal spot, both on the couch and at Amy’s side. Howard was trying to assure Raj that if he could find someone as great as Bernadette, Raj would find someone as well. 

Sheldon leaned into Amy, tucking his nose right to her ear to ask softly, “your previous stance on no children yet stands, correct?” 

“Correct. You did make a pretty compelling argument just now though,” she replied barely above a whisper herself. Then she subtly slipped her left hand into his, her engagement ring pressing into his thigh. This time no one paid them any attention at all.

—

Amy was wearing one of her corduroy skirts. She was wearing one of her corduroy skirts with a knitted cardigan and no tights right in the kitchen. 

“You checked the schedule,” Sheldon said, closing the door to their apartment and setting aside the freshly folded basket of whites he’d just completed. He went straight to her, drawn to her side. 

“You shared that Google calendar with me for a reason,” she said coyly, like she didn’t know exactly what she was doing to him. 

“You don’t usually look at it. You like to be surprised.” He reached out to touch the fabric of her puckered pocket, rubbing it between his thumb and forefinger. It was almost fuzzy and soft, and something about the ribbed texture was comforting. It also accentuated Amy’s child bearing hips which he was beginning to realize maybe he liked not just for their pleasing aesthetics - but for a more biological reason too. 

“Yes, but we made a deal. How was I supposed to know when to wear this for you if I didn’t check the schedule?” she asked in such a practical manner it almost made him feel foolish to have brought it up. Amy was the only person who could make feeling foolish also feel wonderful. 

They exchanged warm eye contact and he gave in to the urge to tug her closer by the pocket he still had in his grasp and bent to kiss her. 

“You’re too tall,” she muttered into his mouth, hooking her kitchen stool from beside the fridge with one foot and dragging it over to them so she could step up - drastically reducing their height difference from nine inches to two.

“I’ve always liked that thing.” Sheldon looked down at it between them. “So practical, Leonard should really have one.” 

“You’re supposed to be kissing me, not talking about Leonard.” Amy reminded him, right there for the kissing, none of the terrible ergonomics in the way. 

“Sorry.” He enjoyed the ability to just lean forward and capture her lips again, neck only about as bent as it would be to look at his phone. She slipped her arms over his shoulders and he drew her closer by the waist. This really was possibly the best kiss they’d ever shared from a purely chiropractic point of view. He wondered if it’d be too much to have more of them sprinkled around the apartment, and even a few in 4a for future kissing purposes.

Amy turned, rearranging her weight and sliding straight into sitting on the island countertop, Sheldon followed, making a home for himself between her thighs. This was even better, she could wrap her legs around him along with her arms. 

He of course enjoyed making out with her, one of the unexpected perks of being in a sexual relationship, but she was still wearing that skirt and its ribs were taunting his fingertips with what they preluded. 

“Shall we adjourn to settle up our agreement?” he asked, nodding back to their bedroom, already taking a half step back. 

“Actually I was thinking we could finish it here.” She pulled off her cardigan and threw it over the back of the sofa. 

“Here?” Sheldon asked looking in confusion between Amy and the discarded cardigan. 

“I want you _here_ ,” she said reaching out to slip her hand under the bottom of his shirt to grasp the waistband of his pants to pull him closer. 

“But this is the kitchen.” It was the kitchen, and the living room, and the dining room, and the front entrance of their apartment. It wasn’t that big of an apartment.

“So? It’s easily and regularly disinfected, this is as good a place as any.” She looked around at it just as he was. The tea box was sitting innocently behind her, the batman cookie jar sitting on the microwave was _watching them_.

“But it’s the kitchen.” he was really struggling to find anything sexy about a kitchen, let alone _this_ kitchen which Penny had kept in such a slovenly disarray for so many years when he’d moved in he’d had to bleach the whole thing.

“We can make out in the kitchen, but we can’t have sex in the kitchen?” Her hand was still under his shirt, but she’d let go of his waistband, instead just resting her palm against his abdomen. It felt sparkly and intimate still, but he just couldn’t, he wouldn’t - 

“Yes! I agree to a lot of things for you Amy Farrah Fowler but kitchens are for food and families, not fornication. That’s a hard line,” he said sternly expecting an argument but being taken aback when she only smiled at him again. 

“Alright, I can respect that. Come on.” She hopped off the counter and dragged him by the hand towards the bedroom. 

“Really? What are you going to try next? First the prophylactics and _dirty talk_ , then you try to get me to have coitus _in a kitchen_? There are boundaries, woman.” 

“Can you blame me? You’ve been being so agreeable lately, I had to see how far I could push it.” She bounced into the middle of the bed and set her glasses aside. He slipped off his shoes and unbuckled his watch to leave it at his bedside, joining her on the bed. 

“No more tricks?” 

“It wasn’t a trick, If you wanted to, you could have had your way with me right there on the island with all the curtains open for everyone to see.” Dear lord, he’d forgotten about all the windows! “But no, I don’t have any more ulterior motives or agendas.” She kissed him softly, like an apology.

They melted back into the making out from before the kitchen was brought into question, but this time with more focus on removing clothing. 

True to her word Amy didn’t try anything out of the ordinary as they proceeded, status quo foreplay, by the book, to the letter. She was such a complicated and extraordinary creature his Amy, always testing him, pushing him. Telling him things he didn’t even know about himself.

“Amy?” he asked for her attention, even as he tried to distract her with his fingers buried deep inside her, thumb stroking her clitoris in slow circles.

“Y-yes, that feels good,” she replied somewhat breathlessly and he huffed into her shoulder. 

“Amy I want to ask you something that isn’t that. And you need to answer me honestly.” She blinked at him, eyes a little unfocused - although he couldn’t tell if that was due to pleasure or a lack of glasses, so he proceeded anyway. 

“The other day, when I was holding the baby.” he watched her swallow hard at the memory, “How badly did you want that to be _our_ baby?” He cocked an eyebrow at her and she pressed her eyes closed. 

“Sheldon.” 

“An honest answer please,” he demanded firmly, keeping up a steady tempo with his hand that had her shakily inhaling and exhaling. 

“Badly,” she blurted out, “so badly, I thought about how easily we could steal him, they wouldn’t even _know_.” Her thighs shifted restlessly, but he wouldn’t be deterred from keeping his hand where it was. 

“Excellent. Then you’ll welcome what I have to say next.” He kissed her briefly and she shuddered, body throbbing around him.

He intentionally lowered his register further and spoke directly into her ear. “I think you should orgasm, at least once now. And then I intend to - as you aptly put it - have my way with you. I want to put that baby in you, now.” 

Amy cried out - back arching as she orgasmed, clutching at his shoulder, he buried his face into her neck and rubbed her through it - slowing his movements as she calmed and panted.

“W-what was that?” she croaked pulling his hand away and rolling on top of him until she straddled him, forearms on his chest to look down at him.

“Dirty talk,” he supplied, “I did my own research.” 

And what enlightening research it was. While most of it was vulgar and or downright disgusting, the principal was sound. While pregnancy might not be the topic that Amy found most arousing, he was fairly certain she was agreeable even excited by the method considering there was some element of dirty talk she’d been displaying even before they’d started this experiment, like the way she liked to mumble commands to him before orgasm. 

“Of course you did.” She laughed. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” There was still no other explanation for the feelings she stirred up in him, not even an alien brain parasite could explain it at this point. She sat up.

“Okay, I was promised torrid love making.”

“I promised no such thing, but if you insist.” He sat up as well and smoothly reversed their positions, depositing her into the pillows making her whoop and giggle with her legs around his waist. 

“If I had known you would enjoy these paltry shows of masculine strength I probably would have thought to incorporate them sooner,” he murmured to her, concentrating mostly on guiding himself into her. 

“Well now you know.” She sighed and stroked her hands up and down his back in a particularly warm and welcome way. They rocked together, position and rhythm familiar and pleasurable. She felt just as delectable as she had the last two times, warm and wet in the most sublime way. The instrument of her body hummed under his attention even more sweetly this time.

Every joining of their bodies and minds in this way was like the universe in perfect order making sense down to the last atom. It was the satisfying rightness of two perfectly fit blocks of lego snapping together. 

“Stop making the lego sound and focus,” Amy panted, “or don’t you want to put a baby in me?” 

He groaned, it was still absolutely the most gut punching arousing thing, when she talked about their joining at the molecular level. Their genetics lining up and producing something wholly new - a new consciousness with all the strengths and abilities of both of them. 

“Yes - I want to- to spill into you. Fill you up.” 

She groaned in reply. He changed the tempo of their movements, a little more allegretto. 

“I want it so badly, I want you,” She cried and he shifted to hook one of her legs up so his arm was under her knee and he could press into her from a different angle that made her sob. She arched in a pleasing way that he knew pressed her clitoris straight into his pubic bone.

“A- a mutual orgasm,” he panted, this was harder work than he bargained for, “is ideal for conception.” Undaunted, he edged the pace up into Allegro.

“Yes!” Amy arched under him beautifully, breasts rising, grabbing handfuls of his bottom. “I’m going to-” 

“Come with me,” he said into her ear, as vulgar as he was comfortable getting - pressing into her hard as she began to do just that, body clenching around him.

They both made unintelligible noises that may or may not have been each others’ names, but the ringing in Sheldon’s ears made it hard to remember, or tell, or care.

When he finally rolled off of her, their panting was down to a minimum. 

“So. That’s three times, trial period over. What did you think?” Amy turned her head to look at him. He reached out to grasp her hand between them. 

“I think,the experiment was a success.” He stroked his thumb over her knuckles. “I find the lack of barrier prophylactic an acceptable change to our sex life.” 

“Understatement,” she teased dryly, “but, I do too.” She sounded happy, dazed, post orgasmic. He loved it when she sounded like that, like he’d made her happy. 

“Amy?” 

“Sheldon?” 

“This was a really good idea.” he rolled over to look at her profile. She was brilliant.

“I didn’t know it was going to be like this at the beginning.” She paused to think. “You’re probably going to have to take a sabbatical next year.”

“Why? What for?” 

“I just imagined what it’s going to be like when we’re actually trying to have a baby.”

**Author's Note:**

> TMI dvd commentary - I never thought I'd be writing big bang theory fanfiction but then 2020 happened and I realized that:  
> 1\. this show is my comfort medium  
> 2\. the reason I disliked Amy Farrah Fowler ten years ago was because I actually related to her too strongly and perhaps disliked myself as well?  
> 3\. I'm turning 30 very soon and thinking about having babies a lot so HERE WE ARE.
> 
> PSA I don't claim to know anything about science or biology - I went to art school, there's probably loads of inaccurate stuff stated therein.


End file.
